The Loki Dance

persephone

how can you be so dirty? i just cleaned you. i knew what would happen, is it my morbidity, is it my psychic abilities? i knew you would abandon me. i watch you move with interest, move through reality and dream and i decide where to leave you. By the side of the freeway somewhere. Somewhere is so much more fun than specific, i want to watch you wander.
i wander over things said and should not have said and i have a certain measure of dread. am i alone in this world again? or was i alone the whole time and you were a mirage, a distraction. i am backed up against the door in my mind, i see him all the time with his razor pressed to my neck and my eyes pretty vacant about the procedure about to take place. a murder of me always seemed hollow victory because i was dead emotionally already. What words did he speak? He was hopped up on some thing. Something that coated the spoon and his tongue when he shoved it in. True. False, in this situation things get murky. He wanted to kill me. He was sadisticly going about it, piece by piece lowering my self esteem as he lifted the hem of my dress hurling words like respect about as if they were curses. Yes, i still see his blue eyes sometimes. Everywhere. i know he isn't you. But it still disturbs me awakening on a bed that is not mine, alone lost in time. i stared at ceilings. i stare at your ceiling. It hasn't the cracks, it brings me back to the present. i don't want to sleep. i don't want to dream, to slip back and see someone who shouldn't be me be ME.
my hands were tingling, he was choking me. His smile was devoid of humor. His eyes had a malace i don't believe i deserved. i tried to charm!
He cupped my face with his hand and pushed me against the wall where a nail scraped my back. i focused on the feel of my dripping blood.
He was explaining something, i wasn't paying attention. Then they came in and he couldn't kill me that day. They took his pleasure away. Hell. They took my relief. i lived. i haven't seen him in years. But that is not entirely true. i see him in my sleep, when i wake his foul drug breath in my ear.
i swirl. reel. his blue eyes. i never liked blue eyes after that, the pale kind he had, seemed to piece me harder then his implements of torture whatever they would be. The blue would remind me of him and that world, desperation, survival, why?
but i am going to be open to blue eyes again. i know those eyes serpentine anywhere, and i know they are only his. And not yours, whoever you may be. i won't recoil. i will stare in interest.
My coiling thoughts like a rope try to choke. But i refuse to go out like that. i am quiet today in a way, everything seems far away, i am trying to forget certain things. Or internalize them in such a way that the homage has been payed, and i can go on my way. On my way to somewhere, i dislike specifics.
He left me by the road. My eyes were blinded by the wind, i knew my home was not that far away but it seemed to be just a dream that i couldn't go back to because dreams are just hopes that happen in the night and in the light they go away.
Say what you want. i listen with interest, everything abandons me. i do not place blame there. But on you blue eyes, you succeeded. Nobody wants me with red flower passion. i do not even want me red flower passion. it's like the feeling got caught up and stolen carried away. i didn't want to bear the name Persephone.
How can you be so dirty? i just cleaned you.

i slept. i had a dream with large dark eyes kind this time, i had dreams that lashed out in terror at me. i had dreams that were close to reality. i just woke up insanely instantly hair like a cartoon charactors everywhere.
in my dream there was the beautiful blond and i was aware then that i was not beautfiul. Before i hadn't really thought about it. Not in the dream. But there she was. And i was very inadequate.

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