June 4, 2004
patience
the frequency of my need paralyzes me. the sound of such a need so high pitched i wonder if dogs can hear. i have a disease of internal lonliness, not one any kind of human companionship could cure i don't think... it is there solid and sorry and so daunting i don't look at it much. Much more then to say oh this is what causes my depression. Yes, i have showered and dressed. But i did so as a robot not feeling the shock of water of the ripples of fabric coming down over my head.i don't want to be shy, i want to say what i need. But when what you need is something you cannot have your forebearence for other's fulfillment becomes thin.
i need to stop needing. i need to stop because my needs are not something that can be helped right now.
i get my small fixes, when i play and then. Nothing. The guise is gone, the happiness a mirage which could have been reality i suppose but not right now.
Patience is a virtue.
i want to toss that one last virtue out the window of a moving car. A car that is moving toward a place where my need will not be seen as something of annoyance or to be pitied. Just taken as it is, just the need for an honest i am here now.
i am here now?
i am never here, more like it.
he says, i am here now.
but i hear nothing at all because.
in my vast lonliness a voice that is miles away does not subdue a sob. one that is primal. one that is disapointed and been shredded by others selfishness and her own, demanding that someone hear, because she is HERE now. and she is not sure how long.
Posted 9 years, 81 months ago on June 4, 2004
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