June 4, 2004

variable

i know this talk is muddy. i know i probably kick around emotions like balls and i shouldn't say these things in this stupid game of life. i am such a loser. but i gain ground constantly, i say to myself. hey, things change. but in this environment it is hard to say when here everything stays the same.
i feel like sliding into someone else. i feel like leaving my body and sailing away and being this empty shell but then when i go will it be so easy to come back? To myself? i disconnect. i shudder. i don't want to. but i don't want to feel this, i don't want the temptation that comes. they say suicide is not a temptation, but it is.
It tempts and taunts and flaunts what appears to be freedom in guise, i know it is just nothingness, and i have to live, i have to lve because this is temporary.
i struggle as i remember all the things i have tried, i think i cuold get the mixture right, but no no no no no.
i have to live.
live for what? for a variable? i sneer at myself, because i am far too optimistic. but yes, for a variable. For the what if i live. For the what is now, i say it will not be next week, next week will be something new and not so blue. And i wonder if it will penetrate automatically, or if my disconnecting will fray the fringes of a happiness i should experience.
i want to leave all of it with the yesterdayness of it but yesterday still effects today. i still... cringe to think of all the things i don't know how.... i don't know why anyone should say stay anywhere for any reason i am just such a mess, i don't know where to begin, my physical deteriation has been a long time in doing...my mental has been shattered as glass tossed to the sidewalk. i try to put the pieces together but they cut my hands, sharp memories, and the blood makes it so i can't see the edges so well of anything. cause i love it hurts me, cause i love it heals me, cause i love i live for variables.
Posted 9 years, 81 months ago on June 4, 2004
The trackback url for this post is http://delphinidae.semigreenpenny.com/bblog/trackback.php/137/
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Trackback from database empire Posted 10 years, 10 months ago • Reply
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